PeiHsuan

1-800-PSYCH

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. (歡迎使用精神科熱線)

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. (如果您有強迫症,請重覆按1)

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. (如果您有依賴性人格,請找人幫你按2)

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. (如果您有多重人格,請按3,4,5)

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. (如果您有偏執性妄想,我們知道你是誰和你要什麼)
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. (請留在線上,我們會追蹤你的電話)

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. (如果您有精神分裂症,請注意聽一個小聲的聲音會告訴你按哪個鍵)

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. (如果您有妄想症,請按7,您的電話會轉接到母艦)

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line. (如果您精神性緊張,請快速按#鍵,直到有人回答您的電話)

If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969. (如果您有閱讀障礙,請按696969696969)

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date
of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.(如果您有失憶症,請按8,並說出您的姓名,住址,電話,生日,身份證字號和母親本姓)

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. (如果您有創傷後症候群,請小心輕按000)

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. (如果您有短期記憶喪失,請按9,如果您有短期記憶喪失,請按9,如果您有短期記憶喪失,請按9)

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever. (如果您有更年期症候群,請掛斷,打開風扇,躺在床上,哭吧,你不是永遠瘋了)

If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you. (如果您是低自尊,請按0轉接總機,在你前面有200位在等待)

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. (如果您是憂鬱症,不管你按哪個鍵,都不會有人回答)